Pat Robertson on Finance

“Any resemblance to any living person, living or dead, is purely a figment of your imagination.”

One day, in the offices at CBN:

–So what do you think, Mr. Robertson? Is there a place for my ministries on CBN?

–I don’t know, Ted. The people have a long memory.

–But I was cured!

–I don’t know…can you BE cured of being a faggot?

–You know I don’t like that word, Pat.

–Damn it, Ted. You should have known better.

–Come on, Pat. I thought that when the guy asked if I wanted a “happy ending”, he was talking about my revival meetings. Really, I had no idea…

–Oh come off it! I’m not THAT stupid. Hold on…that buzzer is Pam buzzing me…Yes, Pam?

–Mr. Robertson? I have a Mr. Rhea on line three.

–Mr. Rhea? Isn’t that Korean? Do I know any Koreans, Pam?

–I don’t know, Mr. Robertson, but he’s pretty insistent.

–Okay, Pam. I’ll talk to him. I’m sorry, Ted. I’ll have to get back to you. We’ll meet next week.

–Yeah. Maybe we can go get a massage together. My therapist is great.

–Yeah…I don’t think so. I’ll get back to you. Okay, Pam, put him on… Aahn-nyong Ha-say-oh.

–What?

–This is Pat Robertson. Is this Mr. Rhea?

–That’s “mystery”, Pat, “MYSTERY”!

–Lord? Is that you, Lord? I thought you were some Korean guy?

–Me? Korean? No, I don’t think so. Nice people, though, me love ‘em, but no. They’re making better cars these days, though. They make good doughnuts, too. No, Pat, it’s me—with a capital “M”.

–Lord? Uh, why are you calling me on the phone? You usually visit, or you send somebody. You don’t usually call.

–My son bought me this cell phone for Father’s Day. I thought I ought to use it. It has all these minutes on it. Handy little thing.

–Father’s Day isn’t until next week.

–You have your calendar, and I have mine.

–What is it this time, Lord? What did I say?

–Well, for one thing, you told some guy on Fox news that I don’t like the poor.

–Now that’s not true, Lord. That’s not what I said. I said that you didn’t like the poor any more than you like rich people. You like everybody the same, don’t you?

–Well, I’m starting to have my doubts about you. Pat, don’t you remember the bit about “blessed are the poor”? And what about that bit about it being easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, huh? I thought you read that book.

–Now Lord, we both know there was a gate called “The Eye of the…

–That wasn’t what he was talking about, Pat. I should know. I was there. Were you?

–Well, uh…

–I didn’t think so. I understand you’ve written a new book about finance.

–Did you read it?

–Naw. I’m pretty good at managing my resources. But I have to say, at least now you’re talking about something you know—making money. You should stick to that. Now the other thing…

–Yes, Lord. What is it?

–You said I was talking to you again. You got to knock that crap off, Pat. I mean, you want to quote the Bible and all—that’s okay. I mean, I didn’t write it, but it’s a nice book.

–You don’t talk to me?

–Oh I talk, but you’re not listening much.

–But’s that sort of my whole schtick, Lord. I mean, if I don’t say that, nobody will listen to me.

–And your point is…

–So what did I say?

–You said that I told you the world economy is going to get better soon.

–It isn’t?

–From your lips to my ears. How the hell should I know? You’re the ones that fucked it up. It’ll get better when you idiots make it better. Maybe if you learned to share a little. That would be good. And then you said the United States was going to become Socialist?

–Well, that porch monkey…

–Watch it, Pat! I don’t like that kind of talk. I might have to send a plague down on your ass, just to keep my hand in. I haven’t done that in a long time.

–Oh yeah? What about AIDS?

–Ask the C.I.A. about that one. Anyway, I don’t see America embracing socialism any time soon, not with those bible thumpers in the south. You got those poor folks brainwashed but good with that prosperity theology crap. I’ve always kind of had a soft spot for communism, myself. That’s what those first Christians practiced. It worked for a little while. You idiots screwed it up, of course. Sometimes I don’t know why I even made you people.

–Why did you?

–I don’t know. You’re amusing. Besides, it would be lonely up here with nothing but angels. They’re nice people, but they’re boring, you know? No sense of humor. Too predictable. That’s why I gave YOU guys free will. It’s one helluva show, I tell ya.

–But you got to admit, Lord. I was right back in 2008 when I said there was going to be a crash. I had that one right.

–Anybody was paying attention could have seen that one coming, Pat. Some of those economists you guys have we’re saying that five years ago. I didn’t hear anybody calling THEM my prophets. Let’s face it, Pat. You are far more concerned with profits than you are with prophets.—Hey, I like that. Prophets and profits. That’s good. I’m gonna put that in the next book I write.—And then you come out with that sex with ducks shit.

–Sex with ducks?

–Let’s see…yeah, here it is…you said that laws against hate crimes would protect people who like to have sex with ducks…I like ducks. I can’t imagine why they would want to have sex with you people. But you should know, Pat. I don’t like hate. I have never liked hate. And that little remark of yours set that idiot Bill O’Reilly off. And while he’s funny as h –e- double hockey sticks, he doesn’t need your help. I swear to me, I keep saying I’m gonna do something if you don’t stop, and then I never do anything. But I’m warning you, Pat. Knock it the fuck off!

–Or what?

–Or I tell everybody you’re Jewish! And another thing…Oh crap! This thing’s battery’s low. I gotta charge it. Just stay out of trouble, Pat. Make up another milk shake or something.

–Okay, Lord.

–And Pat?

–Yes, Lord?

–Good luck with the book.