A Field Guide to Bosses

I have decided there are roughly six types of bosses. I have spent at least 32 years studying this matter and after a great deal of thought I think that all bosses fall into these categories:

The Jaguar (Incompetent/Unintelligent)This is your basic Psycho Boss. This is the boss who is incompetent and too stupid to realize it. This boss believes in having total power. They want to control every little thing that happens in the workplace. If you try to explain why one of their half-baked ideas won’t work their eyes sort of glaze over. They are frequently into nit-picking and will totally not notice the forty extra hours you put in per week and criticize you for arriving a minute and a half late. They will tell you that they must follow company policy in all things and be willing to break any rule when it is in their benefit. Often, they will go after and persecute their best employees for no other reason than they are smarter than they are. They will attempt to crush anyone who dares to stand up for their rights. A good example of this boss is PHB (pointy haired boss) in the popular Dilbert strips. This boss is invariably very ambitious and is always looking for the next promotion. Their only saving grace is that they are likely to be promoted in spite of their stupidity and you won’t have to deal with them for that long. The Jaguar is a perfect name because anyone knows that car knows it looks good and has a lot of power, but breaks down constantly and is not dependable at all. It is pretending to be something it isn’t. All looks, no substance. Keep the faith; you will survive.

The Yugo(Incompetent/Unintelligent)This is very much like the Jaguar, but it is not ambitious at all. Just stupid and ineffective. Unlike the Jaguar, they don’t often go after their good employees. They wouldn’t know a good employee if they came up and bit them on the ass. The worst thing about this boss is that, since they have no ambition, they are likely to be stuck somewhere a long, long time. Because they have good people working under them, things still flow smoothly, but only because the employees keep them flowing that way. The Yugo, however, never notices this and usually believes things work because of their exceptional leadership. Sadly enough, they also usually get the credit. The Yugo is aptly named because because –well–the Yugo is a piece of shit. Except it’s that piece of shit that won’t flush. Cut and run.

The Edsel(Incompetent/Intelligent) I honestly feel sorry for this boss. This boss means well. They are often ineffective because they are indecisive. They are indecisive because they always want to do the right thing. Often, this boss gets by because they are smart enough to recognize their incompetence and put competent people in key positions. The best thing about this boss is that they often leave you alone and let you do your job. This boss is not so bad. The worst thing about them is that they often get demoted or fired. They’re usually nice people. Like the Edsel, which was a good, reliable, serviceable car, that just couldn’t live up to expectations, everyone has high hopes for this boss. They just don’t manage to pull it off. Jimmy Carter is a good example of this type of boss.

The Taurus(Competent/Unintelligent)This boss is the good manager. They are also have virtually no imagination. They are incapable of creative thought. They are good at keeping things going, once started. They often do things the hard way because they don’t see an easier way, but they get the job done. Whether their decisions will be good are bad are often left to mere chance. They are the Ford Taurus, dependable, but boring. You could do worse.

The Ferrari (Competent/Intelligent)This boss is very dangerous. They are so dangerous because of their extreme ambition and because of their intelligence. This is the Machiavelli of bosses. Like their incompetent cousin the Jaguar, they insist on total power. They scheme and lay traps. They don’t go after their good people because they know they depend on them, they just overwork them. They will do whatever they have to do to get their way and cover their tracks doing it. Their desk is always clean. Their desk is always clean because they delegate all their work to other people. And they like that their desk is clean. That is because all they care about is that they look good on paper. The good thing about them is that they don’t generally hang around for long. They usually get promoted so that they may inflict their evil on a greater number of people. They constantly need their ego stroked. Like the Ferrari, they are powerful and well-engineered–but expensive and high maintenance.

The Volvo(Competent/Intelligent)This is your dream boss. This is the best boss you could have. This is the boss for whom you would work for free, if you didn’t have to pay rent and buy groceries. You put in extra hours because you like them. They treat you like a human being. They keep their good people happy because they know they are good people and they want to hang on to them. Like the Edsel, they will leave you alone to do your job unless you need help. They will bend the rules when it is to your benefit, because they are human. They are not at all ambitious. And yet, they get things done, and without pissing people off. Sometimes they seem disorganized but they always know what’s going on. They will stand behind their staff through thick and thin. If you have this boss, enjoy them, because in spite of their lack of ambition, they often get promoted because they are so damn good. Youre lucky if you get one or two of these in your entire life. They are Volvos because they are not showy, but very dependable. They will keep you safe. Cherish them.

As you can see, two of the bosses are okay, three are downright bad, and only one is any good. So you have a 17% chance of getting a good one, and a 50% chance of getting a lemon. Lao Tzu said that being a good boss is like boiling a small fish. The more you stir things up, the more they fall apart. The best bosses look like they do nothing and yet things get done. I hope you all have good bosses.