Merry Zagmuk!

Well, I think it’s about time that I delved into the history of Christmas. I know everyone has been waiting for me to tackle this one. The truth is, overdone displays notwithstanding, that I really love the Christmas season. On those rare occasions when I’ve been in the chips I have taken a good deal of pleasure in finding gifts for the people I love. I love everything about Christmas. I love the songs. I love the lights. I love the sappy Christmas movies. I never get tired of It’s a Wonderful Life. And Love Actually is one of my new favorites. I proposed to my wife right before going in to a Christmas party. I was going to wait until just before midnight mass, but I just couldn’t wait. I love the idea of the holiday spirit, even if I don’t see it all the time. But I am no fool. I know that it is something of an artificial holiday. I know that Jesus was not born in December. Hell, he probably wasn’t even born in Winter. If his life followed the pattern of other important events that occurred during his brief sojourn here on Earth, his birth should have coincided with an important Jewish holiday—most likely Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, in the fall, or Passover in the Spring. So how did we come to celebrate this holiday in December?

The history of Christmas dates back at least four thousand years. Many of the traditions we associate with Christmas were celebrated long before the birth of the Christ child in 4BC. The twelve days of Christmas, the bright fires, the Yule log, the giving of gifts, going house to house singing songs, the holiday feasts, all can be traced back to the early Mesopotamians. You know, the people we’re currently killing. That birthplace of civilization by the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, home to the Garden of Eden, also gave birth to many of our Christian traditions, both at Christmas and at Easter (which I’ll cover sometime this spring).

Many of our traditions date back to the Mesopotamian celebration of the New Years. The Mesopotamians were a polytheistic society. Their chief God was Marduk. Marduk would do battle with the monsters of Chaos (that’s Chaos, not KAOS, Mr. Smart) each year as winter arrived. The Mesopotamians hold a festival for the New Year to aid Marduk in his struggle. This was Zagmuk, the New Year’s Festival that lasted for twelve days. You remember that ancient song. “On the first day of Zagmuk my true love gave to me, a slave for me to practice Sodomy…” The king would go to the temple of Marduk and swear his faithfulness to the god wearing the traditional sash with the saying WWMK—Who Would Markuk Kill? Tradition called for the king to die at the end of the year and to return to Marduk to battle at his side. Unfortunately, this tradition has not continued to modern times. It could solve many of our current political problems. Actually, to spare the king, the Mesopotamians chose a criminal and dressed him as a king and treated him with all due respect. At the end of the festival then, the mock king was stripped of his royal clothes and then slain, sparing the life of the real king. The Babylonians and Persians celebrated a similar festival called Sacaea (festival of the vowels).

The early Europeans believed in evil spirits, witches, ghosts, trolls, and limited socialism. As the Winter solstice approached many people feared that the sun would never return. Apparently, a pessimistic people, the fact that the sun had returned every other year for the last ten thousand years was no reason to believe it would continue doing so. Special rituals and celebrations were held to welcome back the sun. These would include the traditional dragging of gigantic stones and arranging them in patterns so that future New Age practitioners could wonder at their meaning.

The Vikings would send out scouts, anyone not busy raping and pillaging, to the mountaintops to look for the return of the sun. When the first light was seen the scouts would return with the good news. A great festival would be held called the Yuletide (so named because people would say, “You’ll be paying for this festival for a long time.). A special feast would be served around a fire burning a Yule log. Great bonfires would also be lit to celebrate the sun and also because it was fuckin’cold. This is Scandinavia, you know. People would also tie apples to the branches of trees to remind themselves that spring and summer would soon return.

The ancient Greeks held a festival similar to Zagmuk and Sacaea to assist their god Kronos who would battle Zeus and his Titans in the Olympus Bowl on New Year’s Day.

The Romans celebrated their god, Saturn (Kronos in Greek). Their festival was called Saturnalia and was very popular being one of the few words to rhyme with genitalia. It began in the middle of December and ended January 1^st. The celebration would include masquerades in the streets, big festive meals, visiting friends, and the exchange of good luck gifts called Strenae (lucky fruits). The Romans decorated the homes with garlands of laurel and green trees lit with candles. For some reason, when one candle went out, they all went out. Hours were spent figuring out which candle was the bad one.

The Romans loved their Saturnalia, but the Christians, that young upstart religion, considered it an abomination to honor a pagan god. Early Christans wanted to keep the birthday of their Christ child a solemn holiday. None of this cheer and merriment for them. They wanted sorrow and fasting. They wanted people to be good and miserable as evidenced in the ancient carol, “Have Yourself a Fucking Lousy Christmas”. As their religion spread, so did their alarm at the continuing preference for fun and merriment among their converts (imagine that). At first the church tried to forbid any celebrations. They were unsuccessful. “Say Marcus, what’s that tree doing in your house?” “Tree, what tree?” So, recognizing that if you can’t beat them, join them, they tamed down the celebrations to make them fit for the Christian Son of God. Because Jesus wouldn’t want anyone to have too much fun.

The 25^th of December was sacred both to the Romans and to the Persians whose religion, Mithraism was one of Christianity’s main rivals at the time. Although some celebration for the birth of Christ had existed since 98AD, it was not until 350 AD that the Bishop of Rome (a position now called Pope) chose December 25^th as the observance of Christmas.

So before the religious right start screaming about how the liberals have declared war on Christmas, it would do well to remember that it is more correct to state that they have only declared war on Zagmuk. All those wonderful Christmas traditions we hold dear began with those pagans long, long ago. Ah, is nothing sacred? So, everyone, I wish you all a very merry Zagmuk.