Lost and Found

I once had a very good and close friend who I felt had betrayed me. I won’t get into all the particulars. Let me just say that for some time we were no longer in contact with each other. And for a good long time we didn’t really speak or communicate in any way. It’s an old story. I hear it all the time from other people too. I know people who’ve had conflicts with people whom they loved very much, and very suddenly, the relationship was over. There were hard feelings. There were harsh words said. There were feelings of hurt and betrayal. And whenever I hear those stories, I get a little sad because I know exactly how they feel. It’s a bitch.

In my own case, in time, the anger and hurt simply transformed into sadness. You see, I loved this person. And in spite of whatever feelings of hurt I had, the love was stronger, and I found I missed this person. I missed having that person in my life. But still I held on to that stupid, silly, selfish pride, and regardless of my sorrow and loneliness, I kept myself cut off from that person. I was going to wait for them to make the first move. They had wronged me after all. I certainly wasn’t going to apologize. And there was a part of my life that became empty. I felt as though I had a gaping hole in my heart that used to be occupied by this person.

And then one day, there was a knock on my door, and who should be there but my long lost friend. And to be totally honest, I didn’t care about whatever hurt I felt anymore. I didn’t care about anything but here was my friend who I had lost and here they were again. There was no need for any apology. I didn’t want any apology. And I was filled with so much joy there is no way to adequately describe it. Because in the end, it isn’t the pride that matters, it’s the love.

People have always been this way. My story, the story of so many people, is as old as the race itself, I think. I feel certain that ancient tribes sent members into exile for one reason or another and then grieved for the loss of their loved one. And most probably they let man made rules or traditions stand in the way of love. Jesus had an answer for this sort of situation in the fifteenth chapter of Luke.

The scribes (religious lawyers) and the Pharisees (rabbinical teachers) were giving Jesus a hard time because he spent so much of his time with the people who were despised in that ancient culture, tax collectors, prostitutes, and other people generally considered to be ne’er-do-wells. So Jesus hit them all with one of his parables.

He said, “Once a man had two sons. And the younger son came to him and said, ‘Father, give me my share of my inheritance now.’ So the Father sat the sons down and divided his estate between them. The younger son gathered his belongings, took his inheritance and went off to a distant country where he squandered it all on a life of wild living and good times.

After he had spent all his money, the land in which he was living was hit by a terrible famine. The poor boy was forced to get a job with a local citizen who sent him off to work on his farm tending to the pigs. (You can imagine how well that set with a nice, Jewish boy) And while he was feeding the pigs, it occurred to him that the pigs were eating better than he was! He thought to himself that the people who worked for his father had more to eat than he had. So he got into his head to go back to his father and admit his stupidity and ask his dad for a job. At least he’d be getting enough to eat. So he left the pig farm and started for home.

“While he was still a long way off, his father caught sight of him. His father immediately ran to him, embraced him, and kissed him. The young son said, ‘Father, I was stupid. I’ve been a jerk. I don’t even deserve to be called your son.’ But the father called over his servants and ordered them, ‘Bring me the finest robe, and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Go take the fattened calf and slaughter it. We’re going to have one helluva party tonight! Because this son I have was once dead, but now he’s alive! He was lost and now he’s been found!’ And then the partying began.

“Now the older son, who was off working in the fields, was coming home. And as he approached the house, he heard the sound of all the music and dancing. He asked one of the servants what the hell was going on and the servant told him, ‘Your brother has come home, and your dad is throwing him one helluva party.’ This really pissed off the older son, and he refused to even enter the house. When the father heard this, he went outside to speak with him. The older son berated the father and said, ‘Look, all these years I’ve lived with you, and I’ve never disobeyed your orders. And do you even so much as give me a goat to feast on with my friends? Nooooooo! But my younger brother comes home, the one who took your money and blew it all on prostitutes and wine, and you kill the fattened calf and throw him a big party!

“And the father answered, ‘My son, you are here with me always, and everything I have is yours. But now, we HAVE to celebrate and be happy. Don’t you get it? Your brother, who was once dead, has come back to life! He was lost, and has been found!”

This is a simple message of forgiveness. Did the younger son wrong anyone? Certainly he went against the traditions of his people. He also spent his money on entertainment which the “good” people considered to be shall we say, a somewhat less than worthy endeavor. I always notice that the father never says anything about the son’s apology. He doesn’t say, “That’s right, you were an idiot. I’m glad you came to your senses!” All he does is embrace and kiss his son and order a big party to be organized. Because, in the end, love is more important than anything. How foolish it is for us to cut ourselves off from love, as if anyone could have too much in love in his or her life.

I also notice that nothing has changed. Remember, the father tells the older son that everything he has is his. The younger son still must live with the consequences of his actions. But he has not lost the love of his father. When I read this story, I think back to moment when my friend and I were reconciled. I know exactly how the father felt. This person was dead, and now they were alive. They were lost and then they were found. How can you not rejoice?

Anger takes up so much energy. It is exhausting being angry. Once I let go of anger I feel so much lighter. It’s like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. When Jesus told this story, he was talking about the loving forgiveness of God. But he was also talking about our need to forgive one another, and the importance of forgiveness. So many of us strive to feel connected to that universal life energy, the divine, the Tao, the godhead, but there is no way to be connected to that energy if we are disconnected from one another. That energy is in each of us. This is why that special prayer that Jesus taught his followers asks the Father to forgive us our faults, in the same way that we forgive others. And he’s not saying that because God won’t forgive us if we don’t forgive others. He is saying that because forgiveness is good for us. It is better for your state of mind, and it is better for your health. Let go of all that angry baggage.

And while you’re forgiving other people for the little things they’ve done, don’t forget to forgive yourself too. That may be the most difficult thing to do of all. Nothing can fuck you up faster than guilt. We have to let go of this idea that any of us can be perfect in any way. And that’s not easy in our modern litigation happy society. It seems like nearly everybody is expected to be perfect. Anytime anybody happens to, God forbid, make a mistake, there is an army of lawyers ready to sue. Why do we hold people to such high standards? Yes, there is such a thing as a minimum level of competence, but people don’t expect that. They want excellence. People want everybody who works with them to be excellent all the time, and that just isn’t fair. Nobody can be perfect. And we can’t be perfect either. We have to stop expecting perfection from ourselves. We have to understand that we, ourselves, are going to make mistake after mistake. And sometimes those mistakes are going to hurt other people. And then we need to apologize, learn, and then let it go and move on.

Now, in my wisdom (if you want to call it that), I’ve come to realize that if my friend did betray me in any way, it was probably because of something I’d done. After dealing with scores of daily conflicts among children I’ve learned a great deal about conflict. For one thing, I’ve learned that adults are not all that different from children when it comes to anger and hurt feelings. For another, I’ve learned that there is nobody in any conflict that is totally without some responsibility in some way for that conflict. We are all in need of forgiveness, not from God, but from each other. There are very, very few people who do evil to somebody else out of evil intentions. We all think, at the moment, that what we’re doing is okay. It isn’t until later that we realize that maybe we stepped over some line.

And who knows, maybe we do not see any fault in our own actions. But if someone was hurt as a result of those actions, intended or not, is there any sense in denying their feelings for the sake of our own pride? Am I willing to put my own pride above the love of a friend? In my years I have come to see the each person is so precious. Any true connection to the power of God is a connection to the power of love. I cannot cut myself off from that power to uphold my own sense of self-righteousness. And so the message in this story of the prodigal son is clear: forgive one another. Embrace one another. Remove the burden of anger and of guilt and give yourself over to the power of love. That is the secret of happiness. It’s just that simple. Is there anyone you need to forgive?