Isn’t It Ironic?

The people from the land of Grammaria have asked me to talk to the public once again. It seems that a certain word in our English language is being abused, and if there is one thing for which the Grammarians will not stand, it is word abuse. And Americans are the worst (or best, depending on your point of view) at word abuse.

Let us take, for example, the popular expression—butt naked, as in, “We went swimming in the Jacuzzi butt naked.” This is incorrect, and will cause the citizens of Grammaria to laugh at you. The correct term is “buck naked”. This refers back to a time when a “buck” was considered to be a dandy, a pretentious, overdressed show-off of a man. The term was applied to black slaves as an insult. Thus, the term conjures forth images of African slaves, nude, on the auction block, being sold to the highest bidder. It would probably be better to use the term “stark naked” instead.

While we’re speaking of Jacuzzis, by the way, you should know that the correct term is whirlpool bath. Jacuzzi is a brand name. There are many brand names that we use for generic items. We ask for Kleenex, instead of for a facial tissue. We ask for Jello, instead of gelatin. Once upon a time, people said they wore Levis—not jeans. Some brand names even became verbs. People used to Xerox important papers. In England, the still Hoover the floor.

One of my pet peeves is “irregardless”. There is no such word. That would indicate a double negative, which creates a positive. The word is “regardless”. I am also annoyed by the phrase “at this point in time”. It is totally unnecessary. To what other point in time might you be referring, if not this point in time?

Another commonly abused word is the word “lay”. Most people are using the word “lay” when they really should be using the word “lie”. Verbs come in two flavors, transitive and intransitive (there’s that prefix in- again.) Think of the work “transfer”. A verb is transitive when it requires a direct object. Take, for example, the word, “hit” (in the clobbering sense, not the highly successful sense). You have to hit something. You say, “Joe hit the ball”, not “Joe hit”. The verb hit requires an object, something that was hit. Lay is a transitive verb. It requires a direct object. So you don’t “lay down”, you have to “lay YOURSELF down.” This verb requires a direct object. You can lay down your books. You can lay down your sword and shield down by the riverside. The other type of verb is called intransitive. These verbs don’t require a direct object. Take the verb “sleep” for example. You don’t sleep things. The verb “lie” is the intransitive verb. So you say, “I’m going to lie down.” You cannot “lie” things.

Another prime example is the oft mis-used phrase, “I could care less!” If you say this, you are indicating that it is very possible that you could care less about the issue-in other words, you care. What you want to say is, “I couldn’t care less”, which would indicate that it is not possible for you to be more apathetic about the issue.

According to the AP (Associated Press) stylebook for writers, people often believe the word “homicide” a synonym for murder. The word homicide simply means death of a human. It could be by foul play, or by natural causes. All human deaths are homicides. But this doesn’t come up too much for most folk. You can, however, now tell people you think the death of Anna Nicole Smith was a homicide, and you’d be right. She was human (I assume, although her brief reality show did cast some doubt on the issue), and she died. Bingo! Homicide.

The word hopefully is also abused frequently. Hopefully is an adverb. It must be used to modify a verb. It is NOT a conditional phrase. So, in other words, it would be incorrect to say, “Hopefully, we can bring our troops home from Iraq.” (See I can make ANYTHING political). It would be more correct to say, “We hope we can bring our troops home from Iraq.” The correct usage of hopefully would be, “Bob opened the envelope hopefully.” So, hopefully, you understood that.

People also abuse the word “verbal”. I wish I had a dime for everytime I heard someone say, “But we had a verbal agreement!” in order to indicate that there was a spoken understanding between two parties. The word “verbal” means “using words”. ALL agreements, spoken, or otherwise are verbal agreements. That is, I assume the agreement required some words, unless it was all done with eye contact. What they mean to say is, “We had an ORAL agreement.” meaning a spoken understanding.

But these are just small annoyances for the people of Grammaria. They’ve come to grow used to Americans mangling the English tongue. What’s really beginning to piss them off is the misuse of the word “Irony”. According to the dictionary, the word “irony” means, “The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning.”

Alanis Morisette had a huge hit song, “Isn’t it Ironic.” What is really ironic about Alanis’ song, is that none of the examples in the song are actually ironic, based on the definition of the word. In the song she mentions being stuck in a traffic jam when you’re already late. That is not ironic. That is a coincidence. It might be ironic if the guy in charge of improving traffic was caught in a traffic jam. Alanis also mentions a person afraid to fly who dies in a plane crash. That isn’t ironic; it’s just tragic (and again, a coincidence). Another example from her song is a person who wins the lottery and dies the same day. That is also a tragedy and a coincidence; but it isn’t ironic. It would be ironic if you bought a lottery ticket every week, and the one week you DIDN’T buy a ticket, your numbers were chosen.

Now I want to make it clear that I am not the first to criticize Ms. Morisette’s song. I have noticed a couple of newspaper articles about this. Her song is just the easiest example of the misuse of this word, and the Grammarians specifically asked me to bring this to your attention. They say the key thing to remember about this word is the concept of opposites. For example, on the news tonight it was mentioned that the head of security for Iraq in Baghdad was giving a speech about how the government had made the streets safer when two bombs killing hundreds of people exploded nearby. Now THAT’S ironic.

In the 1959 Twilight Zone episode, “Time Enough at Last”, a hen-pecked bookworm by the name of Beemis is the sole survivor of world war III. As he walks through the devastation he comes upon a library full of books. Now he finally has the time to read all he wants with nobody left alive to bother or abuse him. And as he ponders his good fortune, his glasses slip off his face and are shattered on the ground, and he is doomed to a blurry world, unable to read the books he loves so much. That is irony. He finally has time to read, and he can’t because of his poor vision. Here are some other examples of irony for you:

Adolph Coors III, heir to the Coors Beer Company, is allergic to beer.

U.S. Border Patrol uniforms are manufactured in México.

A 17 year-old Amish boy was electrocuted by a downed power line that became tangled in the wheels of his horse-drawn buggy.

ESPN used the song “How Sweet it is to be Loved by You”, sung by Marvin Gaye in a tribute to Father’s Day. Marvin Gaye was shot and killed by his own father in 1984.

The president of Zimbabwe gave a speech in which he promised to remedy the country’s chronic electricity shortages. Nobody saw it. There was a power failure.

So, it’s ironic that the great composer Beethoven was deaf. But the fact that Brad Pitt tore his Achilles tendon while playing Achilles in the film, “Troy”, is just coincidental. So, it would be ironic if this blog about the correct use of certain words were to include words that were used incorrectly. And I’m sure it does. I’m sure because I misused some on purpose to see if you were paying attention.

And now I have once again fulfilled my obligation to the people of Grammaria. I will be able to renew my linguistic license and pay my syntax. And I even used less words than I thought I would. So remember-Irony means opposites, like George W. Bush being made the president of Harvard. However, George Bush being president of the United States wasn’t ironic. It was just a tragedy.