The Antique Road Show

From a transcript of the popular PBS program, The Antiques Roadshow, being televised from Scottsdale, Arizona, March of 2010.

Stephen Massey, Antique expert from New York City, New York: We have an interesting piece here, as you know, Mr. Klein. Why don’t you tell us a little of the history behind this.

Mr. Klein: Well, there’s not too much to tell really. My dad, Ernie Klein, served in the army during the war, the big one, you know, WW2. Anyways, he’s in Berlin right after the war and this guy with a funny mustache tells him he’s trying to raise some quick cash. My dad didn’t have any money right then. Lost his whole damn paycheck in a crap game, you know how it is. So’s he offers this guy three cartons of cigarettes for it. Mom never liked the look of the damn thing so it was up in the attic ‘til my dad died twenty years ago. She said she was gonna give the thing to the Salvation Army, but I said, “Hell, I’ll take it.” So I went and picked the sucker up in a U-Haul and brought it back here to Scottsdale. But that’s about all I know about it. We never could figure out what it was for.

Stephen Massey: Did you ever have it appraised before?

Mr. Klein: Nope. We never did. Never wanted to sell it. I just kind of keep in the living room by the TV. I like to hang my jacket off them little bird things. I dry my underwear on those rods there.

Stephen Massey: Well, this wood here is Acacia wood. You don’t see it too often anymore. Not for a long time. It isn’t little. We measured it at almost four feet long and about two and half feet wide. Believe it or not, this gold looking metal you see is actually pure gold. So I’d say your dad did okay for three cartons of cigarettes. Those “bird things”, as you call them, I’m told are what some religions call cherubim.

Mr. Klein: Cherubim? What the hell…

Stephen Massey: It’s a kind of angel. And those rods, we’re pretty sure, were once used to carry this thing around.

Mr. Klein: You don’t say.

Stephen Massey: Now it appears that the top here is removable. We had some experts take a look at this a little while ago, but we found that when the top was removed it just seemed to melt the flesh off everybody around. Dead, all of them.

Mr. Klein: Jeez, good thing I never tried to take that damn lid off before. Thanks for letting me know about THAT.

Stephen Massey: Mr. Klein, why exactly did you bring this to the Antique Roadshow?

Mr. Klein: Well, I was kinda hoping you guys could tell me what it was, you know?

Stephen Massey: Well, we did bring in some experts. They were kind of hard to find in Scottsdale, but they all seem to pretty sure that what you’ve got here is the Lost Ark of the Covenant. Do you have any idea what it’s worth?

Mr. Klein: Well, I don’t know. I thought maybe five hundred or so. But hey, if that’s real gold, it must be worth a little more than that.

Stephen Massey: Well, it does have a few scratches here and there and that’s bound to affect the value. But it doesn’t look like you’ve tried to clean it or refinish it, and that’s good. Collectors like that original finish. Of course, it’s hard to attach a value to something that’s one of a kind. We don’t really have anything to go by, here. But I feel sure that if I were selling this in my shop, I would ask at least five thousand dollars for it. At auction, with the right crowd, who knows? It could bring in seven, maybe even ten thousand.

Mr. Klein: Wow. You really think so? Well, I wouldn’t sell it anyway. I kinda like it next to the TV. And those rods work great for drying my shorts. But it’s good to know anyway. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

ORIGINAL LOST ARK OF THE COVENANT: $5,000