Resolution

Okay, so before, I told you that I was going to give you all you need to know to help resolve conflicts in your day to day lives. And if I manage to succeed at this I fully expect to be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize or something. Solving conflicts is not an easy thing to do. If it were, there would be no wars, would there? So here we go. Let’s assume you have a conflict with somebody. I know that rarely happens, but hey, it’s good to be forearmed. Or maybe that isn’t the best word, considering the topic and all.

The first thing we all need to do is to let go of this idea of winning and losing, especially when it regards people we know and have to deal with on a day to day basis. Let’s face it, we have all been in the situation where we won the argument but lost the friendship. So who’s the winner there? We have to think of what our goal is. And what is our goal? We want to try and get what we want, that’s what the goal is. We want someone to treat us with respect. Or we want someone to do his or her fair share of the chores. Or we want someone to apologize for hurting our feelings. Perhaps we want someone to quit talking about us with others behind our backs. Maybe we want someone to tell us where the weapons of mass destruction are, little things like that. If we play our cards right, both parties involved can be winners. How? Easy.

Both parties are winners when both sides get what they want, or at least part of what they want. Ánd there is only one way to find out what the other party wants. You have to listen. That is one of the biggest pitfalls to resolving conflicts. You have to listen. Most of us don’t listen. Most of us, at best, stand around politely while the other party speaks, all the while trying to figure out what brilliant things we are going to say so that we can say we’ve won the argument. So you have to quiet your mind and really listen to what the other person has to say, WITHOUT INTERRUPTING! Just keep your yap shut until the other person is quite finished. Then be sure they are finished, by asking them if that is all. Then, just to prove you are listening, you repeat back what they said to show them how well you listened. “So what you’re saying is that you don’t like it when my friends come over to watch football and leave a big mess for you to clean up, is that right?”

At that point the person will either correct you to make sure you understand, and if they do, then you have to shut up and listen again. If they say that you understood correctly, then you are ready to continue. You’re not ready to offer your side yet, by the way. Now you have to ask how whatever it was that made them angry made them feel, or validate their feelings in some way by saying something like, “that must make you feel pretty unappreciated, huh?” But it’s important that you get them to discuss their feelings. It’s their feelings that count. Not the rightness or wrongness of the situation. It doesn’t matter if you are in the right if somebody you care about is hurt. Then you have to do something very difficult. Ask them what it is they want, because everybody wants something. They might say, “I want you guys to clean up after yourselves.” Or they may say, “I want you guys to watch football somewhere else.” But at least you know what they want now. And, more importantly, you have shown that you care enough to listen and take their feelings into consideration.

Then you can give your side of the situation. And when you do, there are some things you must avoid. First of all, DON’T USE THE WORD “YOU”!!!!!!!! As soon as we hear that word our hackles go up and we become defensive. You feel attacked. They will too. So keep your comments to what we call “I statements.” Don’t say, “You guys left a big mess for me to clean up, you fucking selfish bastards!” What you say is, “I felt really angry when I saw that big mess I had to clean up.”

The other advantage to a statement like this is that you will notice the words, “I felt”. Nobody can argue with how you feel. I mean, what are they going to say—no, you weren’t angry? So when you argue, you talk in terms of your feelings. Nobody can argue about how you feel about something. Now this can be tricky. It’s not always easy to say things in that roundabout sort of way. That’s why it is usually a good idea never to have an argument when you are angry. In the martial arts we know that as soon as you are angry, you have lost the fight. You have to let go of feelings when you try to resolve conflict. You can talk about them, just don’t feel them. The old 24-hour rule is a good idea, usually. I always make kids wait a day before we talk about whatever is bugging them. Usually, by the next day, they’ve forgotten the whole thing.

In the end, everybody just wants what they want. And you have to tell that person who’s upset what it is you want too. “Well, I only left a mess because I felt like my guests were unwelcome when we came over to watch the game.” This can lead to other statements and if it does that is good. Get everything out in the open. Eventually this all leads to a deal wherein you offer, “We’ll clean up after the game if you make everyone feel welcome and wanted in our home.” And then everybody gets some of what they want.

So let’s repeat what we’ve learned so far:

1. LISTEN

2. Don’t say YOU. Try to use I statements. Don’t make accusations. Talk about yourself.

3. Talk about how you feel. Avoid direct accusations. (“I felt angry when I saw another guy in bed with you, sweetheart.”)

4. Don’t argue while you’re angry.

5. Be clear and specific and say exactly what it is you want, and respect the wants of the other person.

Okay, got it so far? Good. Now for the really difficult part: This is the part that nearly kills children, and we’re all children under than adult exterior. Don’t be afraid to say you’re sorry. Saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean you’re wrong. I said I was sorry in a blog just tonight. That doesn’t mean I was wrong. It means that I’m sorry that someone’s feelings were hurt by something I wrote. And I AM sorry someone’s feelings were hurt by something I wrote. I don’t want to hurt anybody. It’s okay to be sorry. It doesn’t make me weak. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t write the same thing again if I felt the same way. It means I was sorry someone was hurt.

I generally find that once you validate someone’s feelings and actually listen to that person’s complaints, it defuses the anger. Once they let it all out, they are receptive to hearing your side of things. And your side of things is usually that you never meant to hurt them. I mean your answer to the messy room problem would probably be (after some considerate thought), “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you angry. We’ll clean up next time.” And for those times when you didn’t do anything at all to warrant anger and abuse, you say, “I’m sorry if anything I did offended you. It wasn’t my intention. I’ll try to be more considerate in the future.” In that little apology you are not admitting to any wrongdoing. You are saying you’re sorry that someone was offended. And after you’ve done that, there’s nothing else you can do.

Most of the time, with the kids, I find that some very nice people do some very annoying things sometimes without any conscious idea that they are doing them. It’s amazing what drives people nuts. And I also notice that a lot of people choose to interpret innocent gestures and actions as malicious. And as I said yesterday, we all need to remember that we’re just not that important. Most people have way too much on their minds to spend any time at all trying to find ways to make me unhappy, or even attack me. And if anyone were going out of his or her way to be mean to me, I would have to laugh it off and suggest that person go and get a life. There are better ways to spend your time.

And of course, it should go without saying, but we all need to remember that as wonderful as we all are, not everybody is going to like us. You’re just bound to get on somebody’s nerves, that is if you’re living right at all. The only people who don’t bother anyone are those luke warm people that aren’t really worth knowing. And you have to accept that somebody is going to find you obnoxious because you’re too smart (obviously, if you’re on Reverb), too confident, too rich, too poor, too something. It is better to be a mirror than a sponge. Sponges just absorb everything and soak it up. Spongy people absorb hate, love, abuse, praise, whatever, and give little of it back. It’s better to be a mirror. Just reflect everything. The love you receive, give back. The abuse you allow to bounce off.

Just remember, there is no winning or losing. Winning an argument is just another word for getting even. You want to hurt that person the same way they hurt you. And as Gandhi said, and eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. There was a reason Jesus spoke about turning the other cheek. That is that revenge just doesn’t work. It just makes a circle of abuse and pain that never ends. Really winning an argument is about solving problems. And when someone is upset with you, there is a problem. You may not be the cause of it, but a problem there is. And fighting fair is the best way to solve it. Any questions? I’ll be happy to answer them.